CLARKSBURG, W.Va. — It wasn’t a fear for her own life that caused Upshur County resident Haley Hedrick to flee her abusive husband.
“He beat me up from my face to my hips on my left side,” she said. “My three year old son was watching the whole time. At one point, he actually picked up my son and used him as leverage.”
That was the breaking point for Hedrick, a survivor of domestic violence. Though physical abuse had nearly killed her on at least one occasion, her desire to break free from her marriage had never been stronger than when her now ex-husband turned his attention to the couple’s son, then three years old.
“Back in Florida, I felt like I owed him,” she said. “I kind of was stubborn and didn’t want to admit that my family was right and I shouldn’t marry him. And, of course, I didn’t want to split up my family.”
Hedrick, originally from Massachusetts, described her upbringing as “rough.” She had suffered abuse as a child, hadn’t had her own mother in her life, and struggled with drug abuse.
Seeking stability, she moved to Florida and eventually married a man in the military. It wasn’t long before they were preparing to start a family, and it wasn’t long before she began seeing warning signs.
“The first time kind of left me in shock,” Hedrick said. “I mean, it was really big. He almost killed me, actually. I was just in so much shock. ‘What is going on? What is happening?’ I didn’t know what do.”
The abuse, she said, wasn’t just physical in nature.
“He didn’t really want me to work, ever,” Hedrick said. “Towards the end of the marriage, he allowed me to get a job. But it was working at the same company that he was at so he could essentially watch me.”
By that time, the couple had moved to West Virginia to be closer to his family. Hedrick didn’t know anybody. She felt isolated and alone.
“It’s kind of like you are treading water just to survive your own life,” Hedrick said. “You just ignore anything that makes it a little bit harder to [live].”
According to Amy Snider, a counselor and family therapist at HOPE, Inc., those were all tactics to control Haley. And, she said, it’s not uncommon in domestic abuse.
“A batterer is going to use all these tactics to try to intimidate to bring you under their control,” she said. “And usually, the batterer themselves have extreme insecurity, inferiority.”
Hedrick is now more than three years removed from the actual physical, emotional, and psychological abuse of her ex-husband. She’s remarried, finished her college education, and works as a medical coder for St. Joseph’s Hospital in Buckhannon.
And now that she’s removed from it all, she wants other abuse victims to know that there is hope.
“If I start telling people what’s going on, the chances of me going back are going to be slim,” she said, referencing the moment she knew she had to leave. “For years, I kept this a secret. I’ve been ashamed. I’m not going to do this anymore because I’m going to force myself not to go back to this.”
October happens to be Domestic Violence Awareness month. To raise awareness, Hedrick began speaking informally with small groups of other survivors at the HOPE Inc. office in Clarksburg–hoping that her story would inspire others to walk the same path.
“I think a lot of people don’t fully see the situation as clearly when they are in it,” she said. “I know there was a lot of stuff that I ignored that now I’d be like, ‘Why would you ignore that?’ But, at the time, you just try to survive.”
When Hedrick was still married to her first husband, she started to detect patterns in his behavior. She could tell when abuse might possibly turn to violence. But, for years, she made a difficult decision that she believes many victims make: she chose to remain with her husband.
“There’s a lot of times where I wanted to leave but always went back,” she said. “I felt like a burden to my family, to my marriage, in my own life. I didn’t want to put that burden on anyone else.”
“I felt ashamed a lot. But when push comes to shove, when I had to go to work with bruises all over me, why am I the one feeling ashamed? He’s not ashamed if I go to work with bruises, and he’s the one who did it.”
Amy Snider, who speaks with victims daily, said the process of leaving an abusive relationship behind is exactly that–a process. Most abuse victims don’t come to that decision overnight.
“We have women that come in and go right back,” she said. “It’s a process. You still need that positive support. You’ll never get out if you don’t have that positive support. That’s what we’re here for.”
There were moments before she ended the marriage that Hedrick realized the relationship wasn’t normal–moments she realized she wanted to leave.
Those moments often came when she began focusing on bettering herself. She chose to go back to school–something she never thought she would or could do–and attended Fairmont State University. In those moments, she began to get her confidence back.
“It just was very empowering to know that I could do this,” she said. “There were times where I felt super proud of myself.”
But, she said, her then husband would usually find a way to bring her back down.
“In a healthy relationship, we build each other up,” Amy Snider said. “We don’t bring each other down. We don’t emotionally try to tear someone down and hurt someone. That’s very unhealthy and toxic.”
Hedrick added, based on her own experience, that victims will make the decision to leave eventually. But, she said, they need the right support system in place. That support system–whether family, friend, a mixture of both, or something else–needs to be ready when called upon.
“My advice is be patient,” Hedrick said. “Let the person know that you love them no matter what, that you are there for them, that they have a place to go, and you get that.”
When Hedrick made the decision to file a restraining order against the man who abused her, an action she feared would bring about a number of repercussions, her support system jumped into action.
“Having people around, too, really helped,” Hedrick said. “I was amazed at how many people really kind of stepped forward because I was so isolated that I didn’t really make friends in West Virginia. I only had his family.”
As for Hedrick, in addition to raising her three children, building a career at St. Joseph’s Hospital, and building a relationship with her new husband, she’s ready to share this story with everyone.
“This is my story,” Hedrick said. “My story’s just like yours, and if I can do it, you can do it.”
“It gets them moving,” she added. “Gets them thinking they can do it.”
HOPE, Inc. has offices in Fairmont and Clarksburg. Each site has a number of monthly or weekly meetings. You can reach a counselor in Harrison County at 304-624-9635 or by e-mail at asniderhope@yahoo.com.
In Fairmont, you can call for information at 304-367-1101.