My son, Ben, Tweeted this on Father’s Day: “Happy Father’s Day to my old man, @Hoppy Kercheval, and my step-father, Jeremy. Both responsible for the man I am today.”
When Ben’s mother and I divorced almost 20 years ago, one of the great fears I had was that someone else would become a father to my son. The worry became a panic when his mother remarried and moved to Arizona with Ben.
However, I worked hard to maintain the relationship. We talked often on the phone. I went to Arizona and took him on road trips, just he and I. He came back to West Virginia to visit periodically.
Meanwhile, Ben’s stepfather, Jeremy, became an important figure in Ben’s life. They built a strong relationship, albeit different from ours.
Jeremy would wake Ben up early on Saturday mornings and put him to work on some project around their home. Ben would sometimes complain to me about that, but always later he spoke with pride about the deck they built or the landscaping work they had done.
I was not much for house projects. Ben and I were much more likely to end up at the movies or at the ballgame than working around the house.
Additionally, as a divorced father, I tended to over compensate. I believe that I was a nurturing father, but at times I tried too hard to win my son’s affection. Jeremy’s style was different. Ben described it as “tough love.”
But as Ben told me on Father’s Day, he learned from both of us.
Importantly, Jeremy never tried to replace me, and I tried not to undermine Jeremy’s significant role in Ben’s life. That was not always easy for me, and I suspect there were times when Jeremy privately questioned some of my decisions.
But—and this is the most critical part of this co-fathering we went through—Ben never had to choose. Yes, the two most significant men in Ben’s life are different, and we had dissimilar parenting styles, but I know both of us had the best interests of the boy at heart.
Today, Ben, 25, lives in Denton, Texas where he writes for collegefoootballtalk.com. He’s a talented, hardworking young man. He seems to be well equipped to handle the inevitable challenges of life.
I’d like to take some credit for his success. What proud parent doesn’t want to stand in the glow of their children’s accomplishments?
Jeremy and I haven’t talked about it much, but I know him well enough to feel certain he is as proud of Ben as I am. Jeremy stepped into a challenging situation and, like any good parent, did the best he knew how, and Ben is a better man for it.
So on Father’s Day, both Jeremy and I get a shout out from Ben on Twitter, and I’m okay with that because we each did our part as fathers. As a result, there’s plenty of love for Ben to share.